the post that almost didn't get published.

This blog has stayed pretty light hearted for most if it's existence, and I realize I've been pretty sporadic about posting this past year. I feel like I have been tiptoeing around this issue that has consumed most of my past year, and now I  have this urge to come clean and reflect on this last season we've been in as a family, and where I'm at now, as an individual.

no acting here---we really are that dorky.

It feels weird/cheesy to say (type) this, but there was a time recently-ish when I heard the voice of God for the first time in years. Maybe even for the first time ever. It was during the time my husband got a second job and we moved in with my dad while we house hunted. The exact moment was when I picked up my husband's phone right as it was receiving an intimate text from another woman (whoa!! right?!)--turns out it was THE other woman. The woman I later found out he had spent the night with after work the night before Mother's Day, the woman he slept with before coming home to his birthday breakfast the kids and I made for him, the woman he gave pieces of his life to that I was sure belonged only to me. I was blindsided, but I wasn't confused. I knew exactly what it meant. I knew that in that moment my world was turned upside down and a heavy weight, the heaviest I've ever felt was thrown upon my chest.  Let me say right here that I thought our marriage was pretty tight. We had just celebrated 7 years, had three beautiful children, and were in the process of buying our dream house/fixer-upper.

We were busy, and Karl was working hard, but I never in my wildest dreams thought this would happen to me, to us. My life as I knew it was crumbling, but also in that moment, in that same exact moment I heard you will be ok. It wasn't 'your marriage will be ok' or 'this is all just a misunderstanding that will blow over'. No. It was a distinct voice of reassurance, of peace, and of comfort--that my wellbeing depended on no one else if I trust God.

I didn't know how I was going to be ok. I was staring down the barrel of being an unemployed and homeless single mother to three. I was pretty sure I couldn't stay married to Karl. I felt like the man I had spent my last 7 years dedicating my life to and bearing his children had just tossed his family to the curb like a charred cigarette butt. I felt like I was the plot of some cruel and twisted joke. I felt like my parents' history was repeating itself--on me. It wasn't until a few days later that I was able to digest that feeling I had, that voice I heard. It was a few days later that I knew it had to be divine intervention in that moment that I didn't physically harm anyone, God knows I wanted to slap the hell out of my husband, but instead I fell flat on my face in prayer... for the first time in a long, long time.

Eventually, during a brief separation, I was able to see that I could indeed be a single mother, and I would get by, and after a while I would probably even find joy again. I somehow felt empowered, that if it came to it, I could do it and do it well. It took some time, but during that separation, I also realized that that wasn't God's plan for me. This was my chance to grow--to learn about forgiveness. We had a lot of work to do if we wanted to stay together, our marriage most certainly wasn't going to mend itself. We had a foundation to rebuild, trust to restore, and we each had to get our hearts right with God. I had to realize that I could lay in bed at night crying and feeling sorry for myself (and I did for awhile) or I could pray to God to fill my heart with the capacity for forgiveness. I could let God use this as an opportunity to grow me---to make me a better me, more capable of love, more capable of trust, and to help me know true forgiveness. I could have stayed angry (and I did for awhile). I could have continued to see my husband as a liar, a man who betrayed me and his children, or I could choose to see a man who, during our separation was humbled enough to realize how bad he effed up. I prayed for the latter. I prayed that God would give me the eyes to see a man who realized his faults and humbled himself before the Lord and his family, asking for forgiveness.

I could have put all my hope in my husband and set "rules" for him to get me back, or I could put my hope in God, praying that he would restore our marriage and strengthen our faith. It hasn't been an easy road, not one that I'd want to walk again, nor a road I would choose for anybody else. But oh how thankful I am for the spiritual and emotional growth it has inspired, and for the healing journey it has us on right now.

oh ps- i failed.

is it too late to still be talking about christmas? because if i have to turn back time for a minute, i will. i totally failed on my christmas knitting goal, you guys. 3 knits for 3 kids totally didn't happen. i posted Mad's cape, which was totally done in time for her to wear to the nutcracker before christmas--yay! and i had already finished Milo's sweater, which was a seriously fun knit and i hope to do another one sometime soonish, but i completely failed at finishing a barley for Max. Woops! i finished it a couple weeks later for our first hike of the year, instead. and i'm pretty sure we lost it on the trail before any photos were taken. nice, right? next time i'll remember not to have him wear a fern-green hat when we go hiking through the forrest. here's some better photos of the two knits that didn't get lost though.

 i know i already posted about Mad's cape and the pattern details, but the yarn! it's called imagination, by knit picks and i had ordered it sometime early last year. if i'd have known they were discontinuing it, i would have ordered two skeins in every color. i LOVE it. i also used it many moons ago for Milo's newborn kick sack in a weird colorway, but i just love the fabric that it knits into. 

and this precious sweater is the Oh, handsome Winter-sweater by Anna and Heidi Pickles. love! it was such a fast and easy knit, and the results are just perfect. i used some amazing yarn that my mom had given me from her stash over a year ago, probably closer to two, and it was just perfect for this project. i'm pretty sure i have enough left over to knit up a matching one for baby no. 4!

this was the best i could do as far as a photo of him in it. strapped down and sleeping is the only way he'll hold still these days. two year old life is a busy life, you know. 

UPDATE: i'm excited to say Max's hat isn't lost after all, and here's the proof!

this pattern was fun. i just knit it in some wool of the andes (jalepeno) i had leftover from his striped vest, but i do wish i'd have had some more interesting yarn to knit it in. i love some of the examples on the pattern page that were knit in madelinetosh or malabrigo.

pardon me

...while I get all Jesus-y for a minute. This might seem to come out of the blue, but it has to do with where my heart is at today, which I'm sharing in order to attempt to live more transparently. Today at church we started a series called "Tough Questions," where we talk about some of the questions many people have, in my experience, as non-believers or new believers. Questions such as, "Do all paths lead to God?" and "Is believing Jesus is the ONLY way to heaven, inclusive or exclusive?" I have to admit, I have been a part of many discussions revolving around John 14:6, and many people who don't identify as Christians will say that is quite EXclusive. At some level, its hard to disagree with that. It sounds awfully exclusive to me.

During the sermon all I could think was I don't have time for this (because obviously, I'm a jerk). I don't have time to sit here and hear the way the scripture speaks to one person. I don't have time to question/discuss/argue the details of our faith. I mean, is this what God wants from us? I thought he wanted us to move forward and put our faith into action. How can we do that if we are always concerned with the details?

It's interesting to me how uncomfortable I was sitting there. God has been putting action on my heart a lot lately. And it kind of felt like this series might have me spinning my wheels. But at the last minute I had this thought--God gave us the greatest gift. He sent Jesus to give us the ultimate example of how our time on earth should be spent. Through Jesus he then, without question, proceeded to free us from the eternal consequences of sin. And if we see that, if we acknowledge that gift and accept it, we will hopefully want to live our lives like Jesus did. And what Jesus lived was a life of love and inclusion. 

So there's my answer. It's my prayer that I will live my life in a way that displays inclusion and emits love. I want people to see that there is redemption and love for everyone, God already gave it to us, now its our job to show that to each other--to everyone.

hiking all year

I made it a point to make no New Year's resolutions as we celebrated the new year with sparkling cider and a kick-ass game of Headbands. But I did, pretty much on accident, make a goal. I decided that as a family, we are going to hike every weekend of the year. I found out that I have NO excuse, considering there is a sweet nature trail just a mere couple of blocks from my front door. We hit it up with our neighbors after church the first weekend of the new year, and I immediately started dreaming up the weekend hikes that will take place the rest of the month/season/year/until I forget and realize I'm too cold/hungry/tired/pregnant to keep it up. Are you as curious as I am to see how many hikes we'll find in the area before I give up? Ha!

Hike #1- Seminary Hill Natural Area

 On our first hike we ended up falling off the trail and exploring the wilderness. We had an awesome time and found out that even our two year old likes to hike. He has decided quite recently that he'd rather be alongside us, rather than on my back--which is fine, since I happen to already be carrying around some extra weight in the front right now. ;)

Hike #2 - Nisqually Wildlife Refuge

For our second hike we ventured out to the Nisqually Wildlife Refuge and honestly, I have no idea how, as a born and raised Washingtonian I've never been here. It was great, the kids loved it, and since we had a meeting beforehand and got lost on the way (really?!) we were left wishing we'd have had more daylight hours to spend on the boardwalk, using the telescopes to see different species of birds. We will most definitely be going back soon!

reflections on the year i thought i lost everything.

how's that for a cryptic title?

to say that 2013 was a year of growth for me feels like a bit of an understatement.

there was so much beauty,

a gianormous "rough patch,"

and some pretty huge moments of growth.

i have never felt more fulfilled,

but before that came suffering. 

i have never felt so alone.

i have been stretched emotionally 

and spiritually in ways i couldn't have imagined.

i have been shaped and molded by circumstance.

i have been blessed beyond measure.

i have learned lessons i didn't know i needed to learn.

and though parts of me were so glad to kiss 2013 goodbye,

i know that none of what's to come would happen without first

living every experience the year handed me.

here's to an awesome 2014.

2 down, 1 to go!

My sweet mama sent my girlie and I to the Nutcracker this year. It was Mad's first time seeing it and she was in awe. I'm not sure if that's what made this hormonal, pregnant mama tear up, or if I'm just especially moved by cute ballerina's now that I'm getting old, but I should have packed tissues. Who'd have thunk? I was pretty happy that she got to go in style, since I finished Christmas knit #2 just in time! Then I gave it to her early, because every little girl needs something extra fancy special to wear to her first time at the Nutcracker--which was also a wonderfully cute bonus to going to the early show. 

The pattern I used is Spritely, and the yarn is a discontinued alpaca/merino/nylon mix from KnitPicks that is super lovely, and I'm sad that they no longer carry it. You can see more details and photos on my project page. 

Now to finish Christmas knit #3 before tomorrow. Wish me luck! 

:)

stripes!

Oh my, guys, pardon me while I just step right back in here like I haven't been neglecting the blogosphere for the last three months, but holy CHRISTMAS KNITTING! I'm actually about to finish project number two, which will make for 2 down and only 1 to go. Totally doable! But only because the last one will only be a hat for Max, since I already gave him this vest just last month.

I started this Tomten waaaaaay back when Maximus was just a year old, and was super inspired by a similar jacket knitted by SouleMama. Luckily, I didn't check my gauge and so even though I originally intended for it to fit an 18 month old Max, it ended up being about a size 5T, and fits an almost 5 year old Max! 

When I pulled it out of the bottom of my knitting bag in October Maximus immediately noticed it and asked if it was going to be for him. Then he would keep track of my progress on his "rainbow coat," commenting about it every time he saw me working on it. It was darling and gave me all the motivation I needed to finish it at the annual knitting retreat my mom, mother in law, and aunt go on in early November.

 It was so lovely, and the icing on the cake (besides the view) was that my madre knit in all my loose ends (of which there were a ton because of all those fat stripes).

The best part, though, after getting home and giving it to Max, was hearing him chose his words quite carefully. "Mommy, your knitting is very beautiful." He really said that. My heart swelled. 

"But sometimes I think I'm going to like something more than I really do." Annnnnd deflate. 

At least he let me down easy, right?

healing chicken soup {a recipe}

A summer cold has hit our house, and I just happened to buy a one-pound bag of ginger root. Not because I knew what to do with that much, but because I wanted a tiny piece to grate into my tea. I could only find it already pre-bagged in one pound bundles and it was cheap, so I figured what they hay. After a few internet searches that left me feeling uninspired I came across this one and inspiration struck.

Here's what I did:
First take
1 onion, sliced
2 stalks of celery, chopped
about 8 ounces of ginger, sliced (with skin still on)
4-5 small gloves garlic, crushed
whole chicken, rinsed
1-2 bay leaves
salt and pepper to taste
Then add
1 cup of rice
2-3 carrots, sliced diagonally
1 small zucchini
1 cup of frozen peas
a handful of baby spinach
salt and pepper to taste

Add all the first ingredients to a 6 quart stock pot and cover with cold water. Bring to a boil and then turn down to simmer, covered, for a 2-4 hours depending on how early you think to start dinner. Take soup off heat and remove chicken, allowing to cool. Pour broth through a sieve and discard ginger and veggies. Remove the meat off the bones and shred. Bring strained broth back up to boil and add sliced carrots, rice, zucchini and spinach. Add chicken and serve when veggies are tender and rice is cooked (about 20 minutes). I didn't have a sliced fennel bulb on hand but feel that if I did, adding it would have been perfection. Also, I only added back about 2/3 of the meat and saved the rest to toss on top of salads for lunch throughout the week.

attics and pinterest and stuff

So... my husband and I are taking a class at our church right now, called Timesavers Marriage, and we took this "time style" quiz. It was no surprise that my "time style" is Dreamer. Right mom, right? So that is why, even though we just moved in and haven't even painted our living room yet, which means we haven't hung photos on the wall, and we may not have even finished unpacking everything, and we have ZERO budget for things like large renovations and won't for years and when we do the kitchen is no. 1 on the list, I have already decided that one day we will build stairs to our attic and add dormers. And if you follow me on pinterest, you'll see some awesome inspiration pins for how to use the space, and also lots of other pins for ridiculous projects and makeovers that I have no intention of ever doing, but the photos are so pretty I couldn't help but click "pin". Somehow that dang site tends to suck the hours out of my day, often times wasting all of what could actually be productive moments while Milo-man naps. But hey, if we ever win the lottery, at least I know how I want my attic. ;)

here are two of my favorite ideas:

source

source

insta-life

we ate a meal at the table for the first time last tuesday. that's how smoothly things are going right now. BUT i've gone to the gym twice. TWICE! in a row(ish) even. i'm considering going again. that'd be huge. I recently realized how quickly this summer is slipping by and we're thinking we'll lay low for the next few weeks until Labor Day weekend brings the very last summer event our way before school starts.