Once again a whole month (ok, two!) has passed by and I couldn't be bothered to write a post. The truth is, I've been quiet, but God has been stirring my heart. I feel like I've had words in my head and on my heart for quite some time now, but just haven't been able to get them out in the right order.
I feel like I need to revisit that terribly uncomfortable topic again, this time, talking about the work that God has done in me through it. I have said before that through my husband's affair, I have been spiritually and emotionally stretched in ways I couldn't have imagined before, and its true! And here are the words that until now I haven't been able to figure out how to say:
God called me to forgive my husband, not for his wellbeing, but for mine.
I didn't realize that completely at the time, but looking back, I was called to do what I had always thought of as impossible: to forgive the unforgivable. I couldn't wrap my head around doing this alone, I had to trust God. I had to trust that He would change my heart, and increase my capacity for forgiveness. I knew that I was called to forgive, whether our marriage was healed or not, so that God could heal me. I held so much anger through the whole experience, and felt God leading me to let go of it through forgiveness. I realized that anger can be useful to point us to areas of our lives that need work, but if held onto, anger turns into bitterness. It was humbling to realize He didn't intend for me to live my life in bitterness. Instead, God is love. If there is bitterness and anger filling my heart, there is no room for love. Wow. And I am truly lucky that Karl also allowed God to do a work in his heart, so that our family could be healed and grow spiritually healthy.
Honestly, God is good. I can't even imagine (nor would I want to) what my life would look like without forgiveness, without God's grace. It blows my mind when I think about what we went through and how it brought us to where we are--in our new(ish) home, in an amazing community, and involved in a great church where we have made some real life friends, and above all together. We have learned so much (some of which we naively thought we already knew) about what it means to put God first in our lives and in our marriage, and what it means to trust in His plan.