This blog has stayed pretty light hearted for most if it's existence, and I realize I've been pretty sporadic about posting this past year. I feel like I have been tiptoeing around this issue that has consumed most of my past year, and now I have this urge to come clean and reflect on this last season we've been in as a family, and where I'm at now, as an individual.
|no acting here---we really are that dorky.|
I didn't know how I was going to be ok. I was staring down the barrel of being an unemployed and homeless single mother to three. I was pretty sure I couldn't stay married to Karl. I felt like the man I had spent my last 7 years dedicating my life to and bearing his children had just tossed his family to the curb like a charred cigarette butt. I felt like I was the plot of some cruel and twisted joke. I felt like my parents' history was repeating itself--on me. It wasn't until a few days later that I was able to digest that feeling I had, that voice I heard. It was a few days later that I knew it had to be divine intervention in that moment that I didn't physically harm anyone, God knows I wanted to slap the hell out of my husband, but instead I fell flat on my face in prayer... for the first time in a long, long time.
Eventually, during a brief separation, I was able to see that I could indeed be a single mother, and I would get by, and after a while I would probably even find joy again. I somehow felt empowered, that if it came to it, I could do it and do it well. It took some time, but during that separation, I also realized that that wasn't God's plan for me. This was my chance to grow--to learn about forgiveness. We had a lot of work to do if we wanted to stay together, our marriage most certainly wasn't going to mend itself. We had a foundation to rebuild, trust to restore, and we each had to get our hearts right with God. I had to realize that I could lay in bed at night crying and feeling sorry for myself (and I did for awhile) or I could pray to God to fill my heart with the capacity for forgiveness. I could let God use this as an opportunity to grow me---to make me a better me, more capable of love, more capable of trust, and to help me know true forgiveness. I could have stayed angry (and I did for awhile). I could have continued to see my husband as a liar, a man who betrayed me and his children, or I could choose to see a man who, during our separation was humbled enough to realize how bad he effed up. I prayed for the latter. I prayed that God would give me the eyes to see a man who realized his faults and humbled himself before the Lord and his family, asking for forgiveness.
I could have put all my hope in my husband and set "rules" for him to get me back, or I could put my hope in God, praying that he would restore our marriage and strengthen our faith. It hasn't been an easy road, not one that I'd want to walk again, nor a road I would choose for anybody else. But oh how thankful I am for the spiritual and emotional growth it has inspired, and for the healing journey it has us on right now.